Penis Owners Instruction Manual (Strictly For Men Only)
 
INTRODUCTION
 
Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will 
enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that 
you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following 
equipment specifications/descriptions, operating instructions and 
maintenance requirements. 
 
BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years) 

PENIS
 
Average length and diameter (flaccid) 3.5 x 1.25 inches
 
Average length and diameter (erect) 5.1 x 1.6 inches
 
Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect 300% (wow!)  
 
Longest medically recorded erection  12 inches
 
Amount of blood in erect penis  8 to 10 x normal
 
Average erections per night (while sleeping)  5
 
Average duration of each nocturnal erection  20 to 30 minutes  
 
Estimated replacement value (good condition model)  50,000
 
CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches 
or more:-
 
Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, 
excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard Branson.
 
TESTICLES
 
Average length and width 1.4 x 1 inch
 
Average weight  0.875 x 1.75 ounces
 
Temperature 94.6 degrees Fahrenheit
 
Compartments within each 400
 
SPERM
  
Average body's production 50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and 
remember lads, it only  
takes 1!)
 
Days to maturity 84
 
Number in ejaculate of average fertile man 200 to 600 million
 
Number of ejaculate of infertile man less than 50 million
 
Percentage of total ejaculate 3% 
 
Average swimming speed 1 to 4 millimetres per minute
 
Average life span once mature 1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 
minutes on sheets
 
CAUTION!

The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature 
for optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body. 
Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.  
 
SEMEN
 
Average volume of ejaculate 0.5 to 1 teaspoon
 
Chief ingredient Fructose sugar
 
Caloric content 5 calories per teaspoon
 
Protein content 6 milligrams per teaspoon 
 
Average number of ejaculatory spurts 3 to 10
 
Average interval of ejaculatory contractions 0.8 seconds
 
Farthest medically recorded ejaculation 11.7 inches
 
BLADDER
 
Average capacity 7 to 13 ounces 
 
Normal flow 7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds
 
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS
 
1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE 
 
The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to 
the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder's maximum 
capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is 
flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the  
penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the 
toilet.

Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. 
This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last 
few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See 
"Troubleshooting" later in this document.) 

2.  BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING 
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
 
Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual 
stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. 
After stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood leaves these 
chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or 
"refractory" 
period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the 
equipment's age) before another erection can occur. 

About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It 
is  fastened to the pelvis
undercarriage for support.
 
CAUTION! 
Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can 
disrupt its hydraulic function.
 
3.  DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION 
 
Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below 
the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind 
each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail 
necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for  
storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just 
below the bladder.
 
When it's time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with 
liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The 
resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, 
which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from 
trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the 
urethra by a series of muscular 
contractions.
 
STARTING THE ENGINE
 
The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs, it's inside 
your head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses 
running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though 
that since arousal is an electrical spark travelling the neural motorway 
it   can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting 
procedure, 
explore side roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner 
drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model.  
 
HARD STARTING OR STALLING
 
If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if 
you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just 
about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not  
to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological  
problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances 
are you are just
temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which 
can temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues, ask your  
mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly 
into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections 
within moments.

Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small 
pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. 
Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is 
inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is 
produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring 
is then slipped onto  
the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, 
you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available 
options/upgrades"). 
 
WARNING!
Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. 
Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum 
erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more 
frequent  bouts of impotence.
 
SPARE TYRE
 
Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat 
around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the 
warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual  
performancebut also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally deposit 
fat in their
abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare 
tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the 
organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. 
 
Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing 
of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look 
silly. 
 
RUNNING-IN PERIOD
 
To ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that 
you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters 
and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during 
his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established  
for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by 
maintained sexuality.

ACCELERATION 0-60 MPH
 
Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes 
for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual 
stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age. 
 
WARNING!
Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause 
partial or complete loss of control. 
 
SUDDEN STOPS
 
Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a 
painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the  
testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, 
the  resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull 
pain, like that of an aching muscle.
 
HANDLING
 
In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and 
learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving 
on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly 
one tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North 
of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm 
your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for  sex, 
where you're forever flirting with the limits of control. 
 
ENGAGING THE CHOKE
 
To postpone ejaculation and extend love making, engage "the choke". This 
technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind 
it's head prior to orgasm.  
 
FUEL REQUIREMENTS
 
Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and 
efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause 
cholesterolbuild-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing 
blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or 
stalling. In fact, every one-point
increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times 
greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat 
combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in 
fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.  
 
BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONS
 
Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends 
protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for 
longer.Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also 
stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS - Your abdominal 
muscles  
(abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen 
them, do crunches.These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you 
don't raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands 
crossed over  your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the 
floor, while  trying to bring your chin to your chest. You'll feel a 
tightening in your gut. 
 
ALIGNMENT
 
One third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused 
by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking 
with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an 
erect penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures 
tend to happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the 
steering wheel and drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger 
always use turn signals before changing positions.  
 
SAFETY BELTS
 
It's highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) 
for activities that involve running, jumping and sudden movement. This 
device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them 
from jarring. 
 
CAUTION!
Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the 
static electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100% cotton 
shorts are recommended.
 
CONDOM DEPLOYMENT
 
Use only condoms from a sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be 
careful of fingernails, rings and other objects that could tear or 
puncture the  material. Never open a condom package with your teeth or 
on your  partners spiked collar. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end 
of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis before penetration 
occurs. Use only water-based lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex 
condoms. Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom. During 
withdrawal, hold the base of the condom to keep it from coming off. And 
use each condom only once.  
 
MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE
 
Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving 
the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good 
workingcondition. To keep them running smoothly regular  maintenance is 
required.
 
TO BE DONE DAILY
 
It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin 
and wash around the head of the penis every day.
 
TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST)
 
Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the 
system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm 
production, prostate health and overall good performance. When 
intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually. 
 
TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY
 
After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should 
gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and 
oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out the shell. 
Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't 
feel  
like the surrounding tissue.
 
YEARLY INSPECTION
 
Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked 
annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left 
to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble. 
Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided 
if 
detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three 
things: 

A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger here, not 
computer). 
A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign 
of
trouble. 
An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue.
 
WARNING!
Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids 
all warranties, written or implied.
 
SERVICING
 
The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:-
 
20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly
30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly 
40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times monthly 
Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes My Friends!)
 
AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECK
 
Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems 
check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic 
erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional 
emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing 
themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working 
condition. If you have a reasonable 
doubt this is happening, do the following test: 
 
Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your 
penis and tape the ends 
together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the 
perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle 
sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so 
close to the post-box.) 
 
FLUID LEAKS
 
After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of  the 
penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any 
embarrassing stains on the upholstery.
 
CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET 
 
Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a 
fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this foreskin 
surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is 
usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons  
because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a 
bonnet does not affect
sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.

LUBRICATION ADDING OIL 
 
For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating 
your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands 
such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.  
 
DISPOSING OF USED OIL
 
When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom 
environment. Flavoured lubes leave a sticky residue the required a 
soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavoured brands wipe clean with a 
towel. 
 
APPEARANCE
 
Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration 
and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive 
than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body, it's 
important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from  
crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free 
from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before 
parking in a confinedspace. If required you may polish your privates 
immediately. 

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES
 
The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing 
and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and 
water and apply an antiseptic ointment. 
 
MAJOR DENTS
 
If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed 
cloth and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain 
doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a 
garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause 
sterility. 
 
TROUBLESHOOTING
 
The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate 
and temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of 
unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and corrected by your 
doctor. 
 
PROBLEM SOLUTION 
 
Penis seems small.
- Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis. Keep in mind that 
the average vagina is just three to five inches long.
 
Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower than the right one.  
- Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower
in 80
percent of all cases.
 
Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as firm as they were.
- This is common with older models. However, exercising regularly, 
following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking and limiting alcohol are all 
antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.  
 
Ejaculation happens way to fast.
- Try strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the 
muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to familiarise 
yourself with the feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100 
or more  daily - at your desk or in the bath. Since it's the same muscle 
that 
contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more control 
during sex. 
 
Ejaculation isn't as forceful or as plentiful as it once was. 
- Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In fact, with vintage 
models, ejaculation may not occur at all, although an orgasm is 
experienced.
 
Pain in testicle.
- Intermittent twinges are common, and anything that lasts less than a 
minute or so is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds 
gradually is usually caused by an infection or inflammation. Consult a 
certified mechanic or authorized dealership. 
 
AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADES 
 
Customise your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs
 
VASECTOMY
 
Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas 
Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a 
safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus 
the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional 
snip or modern laser. 
 
TESTOSTERONE 
 
Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent 
male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for 
your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production 
declines after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but 
experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements,  
which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection. 
 
PENIS ENLARGEMENT
 
Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis 
appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the  pubic 
bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. 
In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile 
shaft to make it thicker. 
 
WARNING! 
Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which 
compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. 
Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when 
operating at high speeds. 
 
CIRCUMCISION
 
See "Checking under the bonnet" above.
 
FORESKIN RESTORATION
 
For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin 
Restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from 
the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights 
until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.
 
WARNING!
Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition. 
 
PENILE IMPLANTS
 
If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence 
treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile 
implants.These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis 
to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available. A 
non-hydraulic implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that 
can be bent up or down by hand. It's the simplest design, but since the 
penis remains semi-rigid, some men find it difficult to wear Chinos. A 
hydraulic implant includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline 
solution  
and a pump, all concealed within the body. For an erection you simply 
squeeze your scrotum to inflate the penis. 
 
HAPPY OWNERSHIP!!